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We are in a global moment of horror, and for some, terror.

‍We are necessarily in a state of shock.

This is the freeze nervous-system response

that our bodies use to hold us‍

as we witness or experience directly such pain.

‍It is there to cradle and protect us

as we experience more than our bodies can take in.

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A moment of meaning-making before moving back to how to care for ourselves through this...

The current pain is seen in the hellish dance of terrorist attacks and state-sponsored oppression. A reign of terror and oppression is met with a grand display of terror and bloodshed, which is met with retaliatory bloodshed. I don't want to spend much time on the horror of it, but I do think we need some meaning-making here to cope.

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I posit that part of the endless cycle of bloodshed that keeps repeating itself and getting ratcheted up is also a trauma/nervous-system response. If you need a refresher, the trauma or nervous-system responses that have been identified thus far are: fight, flight, freeze, fawn/appease, attachment cry, and collapse/submit. When there is not safety or space to move to a regulated response, fight response feels the least vulnerable and most active.

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‍And so, each side (at least the parts that make the news) goes into fight trauma response in order to avoid pain, collapse, helplessness, etc. Moreover, toxic masculinity, and patriarchal systems of power and control, allow no other way for men and male leaders to face challenges. Fight or die. Fight or fail. Anything else is vilified as weakness, instead of a way through. And so they fight. Each side fights bigger and harder and more spectacularly until no one is left.

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What if the mothers were in charge? How do you think things would be different? There would be space for mourning, lament, healing, accountability...and at least everybody go to their rooms, even if there was not full repair and repentance and reconciliation. Would somebody put the mothers in charge please? And tell these man-children to go to their rooms, and don't come out until you're ready to take accountability for what you did wrong and find a solution.

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This is obviously too simplistic for the current situation, but I think it does shed light on part of the problem here. Trauma-induced fighting, supported by toxic patriarchal politics and weapons, is never going to create a solution. It is only going to bring more pain. And this is the pain we're living in right now, after millennia of this generational and historical trauma, of worldviews and fundamentalist religions and political systems and leaders that further occupy, colonize, polarize, dominate, destroy, and silence those who want to find solutions. And so we ask...

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What do we do with the pain?

Now that we have some context, let's go back to how to care for ourselves through this immense pain. We are aware that we feel helpless and frozen to do anything. Don't worry, we'll get to the action part in the next section. First we have to honor our body's wisdom in how it is helping us. When something comes at us too much, too fast, our nervous systems are activated to help us cope. In moments or horror or terror, we most often go into freeze response. Shock, dissociation, numbness, feeling in a fog or like you're sleepwalking are common ways to experience this.

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Our bodies cannot move out of freeze until they know they have enough safety, support, and resources to do so. We also need a break from the overwhelm. For those of us separate from the conflict, that might be taking a break from the news. For those with loved ones there, it might be harder. We all need moments of grounding by connecting to our senses, our surroundings, our bodies, and our breath. (Take some time to notice what you see, hear, smell, touch, and taste; and some time to notice the feeling of your body in your chair and the cadence of your breath.) This brings us closer to or back into nervous system regulation. Co-regulating with another person or a pet can also be helpful. Their presence and breathing can help stabilize and ground you, and keep you in the present.

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Once there is enough regulation, safety, or space to process, we can acknowledge and process the pain. Sometimes this happens along with grounding, especially with expressive modalities like art, dance, tai chi, etc. Today, I moved through the horror with artistic expression (see artwork on the right). It wasn't until after that process that I was able to feel like I was present again. First I had to be present to my horror and find a way to express it.

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Our bodies know how to move through emotional, social, relational, psychological, and physical pain if we give them the time and support they need to do so. I think that both personal and collective mourning and lament are essential in this process. We must let the grief move through us, rather than get stuck in us or overwhelm us. You can't outrun grief, but you also can't process it if you're in overwhelm. You have to find a way to regulate in order to process it, or it becomes unresolved trauma. And sometimes this is unavoidable. If I was in the midst of this at the moment, there would not be enough room for processing, there would only be survival, and the bulk of the healing would have to come later if and when there was enough space and safety to do so.

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As we process the pain, we can move into problem-solving and action in a more effective way, rather than just jumping into a different nervous system response to get us there. As a reminder, the trauma or nervous-system responses that have been identified thus far are: fight, flight, freeze, fawn/appease, attachment cry, and collapse/submit. When there is not safety or space to move to a regulated response, fight response feels the least vulnerable and most active. And fight is not always a problem. Anger can fuel our activism, but blind trauma-rage is just a "violent act of self-soothing" (quote from Cole Arthur Riley). Because then it is a weapon for vengeance, rather than activism for justice and repair.

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• Join Resist & Restore gatherings in Pensacola, FL
• Join Gentle Change Collective online with my friend Andrew Lang
• Find another support group

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One of the ways to address trauma is effective action. And so we also ask...

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What do we do with the problem?

That for me is a harder question to answer as thoroughly. I am trained as a mental health counselor and know best how to address that aspect of things. But I can give a few suggestions from my training in healthy internal systems (IFS), which translate into healthy external systems:

• Educate yourself in ways that don't overwhelm your nervous system. Try learning about context over listening to news bombardment.
• Learn about generational and historical trauma. My Grandmother's Hands by Resmaa Menachem is a great place to start.

The rest of these are geared towards the Gazan crisis. I would love to add more resources here about the current fascist crisis in our country, if you have any to suggestions. (Email me at catherine@cqcounseling.com.)

• Learn about the specific issues at hand from both sides of the story. Here are a few things I've found for a start: How the Arab world sees the crisis, Arab Perspectives on the Middle East Crisis, books reflecting the Palestinian struggle, Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg's reflections, Political Scientist's Perspective

• Learn about frameworks for accountability and repair. On Repentance and Repair by Danya Ruttenberg is a good resource. I think it is important to name that it is written by an American female Rabbi, so may not feel like unbiased enough for the horrific things happening in the middle east, but she does her best to be unbiased from her position and is open to feedback, accountability, learning, and repair. I really like her recent writing on this crisis, which I also mentioned above. I am looking for more resources from other perspectives, and would love input on this.
• Support and be in solidarity with organizations that are working for a solution and care for those in harms way. I would love any of your suggestions to include here.
• Advocate with local officials. JVP action alerts and email forms
• Join organizations and advocates in working for needs-honoring, solution-focused communities, such as Dr. Christena Cleveland's Center for Justice and Renewal.

As you may have noted, a lot of my education in social justice, activism, generational trauma, and accountability come from North American harms and horrors and my resources reflect that. I would love any recommendations for ones that center the harms in the middle east to include here as well.

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Living, learning, healing, and advocating with you,

Catherine

"I became aware that whenever I'd trusted my truth
as a woman

and was loyal to it, it had become like a thread in my fingers,
unwinding, guiding, taking me where I needed to go.
When I denied it and refused to trust,
refused to pick up the thread, I became
lost, afraid, off-center.

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The way to find your thread again is to be still and remember who you are,

to listen to your heart, your inner wisdom, as deeply as you can

and then give yourself permission to follow it.

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If you can't give yourself this permission, then find someone who can."

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- Sue Monk Kidd

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You're making a new life for yourself.
You're learning to find

your core self,
your seat of intuition,
your inner knowing
....and listen to it.
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Not: listen to obey, to submit, or to conform - like you were taught.

This time the listening is different.
It's being still to remember who you are

(not to know who god is,

stepping outside yourself and dismissing yourself

in the process)

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You are being still to remember who you are -
to release and to reclaim,
to reconnect to
sacred
you.
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It's expansive, freeing,
soul-magnifying,
grounding,
earthing and unearthing,
learning and unlearning,
being
sacred
you.

‍Healing from religious trauma involves internal healing and safety. Reconnecting to ourselves.  Reclaiming what we’ve lost. 

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And it involves deconstructing our beliefs about god. For me, deconstructing beliefs has come after substantial healing and self-trust work was done. I didn’t have enough safety to even consider it before. Now that I am securely attached to myself I can.

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Previously in my healing journey, I moved from an anxious relationship with god, to an avoidant one. I had some relative autonomy and safety there. But my conception of god did not change a whole lot.

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Now that I’ve reclaimed trust in myself to decide what is good for me, what I believe, and what I will allow in my life, there is more space to explore what my connection to the divine looks like.

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I am letting go of what was oppressive and harmful to me, and getting to know the mystery of what is.

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What it looks like for me now is letting go of…

• A hierarchical god (no more God the King)
• A patriarchal god (no more Male only God)
• A white supremacy god (no more benevolent/judgmental Master/Lord)
• A parental figure god (no more authoritarian Father God)

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This may feel freeing to see me write this,

…it may have just made you bristle with suspicion and worry, 

…or you may have been here a long time and glad I’m here with you. 

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It’s okay no matter how you feel. You don’t need to agree with me. You don’t need to be where I’m at or ever be where I’m at. You need to be where you’re at. A place where you can find first safety and  then possibly safety and spirituality together.

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We were trained so early to defend god and the conception of god. What if you didn’t have to do that anymore? What if you were free to know god through all the intuitiveness and natural connection you had as a young child (but as an adult)?

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I’ve been excited to discover that research is showing that it’s actually part of our human development to go through a process of spiritual exploration and growth. It is good for us to have permission and space to ask questions and explore our spiritual beliefs and practices. We get to decide what’s true and good for us. Any spirituality that is severe, rather than life-giving cannot be good for us. We have the opportunity to explore human nature, the world, the divine, the cosmos, and anything in between.

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I need a conception of god that includes the earth and the cosmos, and also is relational. But my worth does not have to come from god noticing me or loving me. My worth is inherent. Your worth is inherent.

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I know that I am connected with god. I can feel that wellness, wholeness, and connection. And I'm learning to embrace that it's okay to have mystery around that. To not have lots of labels for god. Even in the Bible, when god is pressed for a label they say "I AM."

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Yes, I am connected to the I AM that allows me to also say I am. And I am connected in all my wholeness to the wholeness of the Divine I AM.

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Resources:

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If you’re looking for some additional community spaces to explore what you believe, deconstruct and reconstruct your beliefs, check out these options:

• Free Evolving Faith community for Christian-connected or Christian-adjacent exploration
• Free Former Fundies support group for women
• Center for Non-Religious Spirituality for a humanist space

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If you're looking for a place to reconnect to yourself and heal before, after, or during the exploration of your beliefs, please join me in my Trust Yourself Again group.

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Kaitlin Curtice’s book Native was life-changing for me in exploring connection to Mother Earth, which my body and soul were craving. She weaves her Indigenous faith in with her Christian faith. You can have space and permission to explore what is good for you.

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Richard Rohr also has an interesting exploration of a Christian perspective in his book The Universal Christ. He shares a theology where god is both universal and personal through the universal Christ. It feels like a place where the divine connection I naturally have in my body can meet and maybe make peace with some form of Christianity.

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I’d love to hear where you’re at and where you’re hoping to be.

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What is white supremacy? 

White supremacy encompasses the values of white culture that elevate the white ideal or norm.

These values are what one is supposed to aspire to and live up to. If you do, you get lauded, included, and praised. You are considered successful and are admired. If you meet these values, you are more likely to be rewarded materially and socially. This is what people refer to as "white privilege." *

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If you don't meet these standards, you are belittled or marginalized. Think about all the harmful ways "non-white" things are classified: non-white neighborhoods are "sketchy." Non-white people are assumed to be less educated or more scary. If you don't meet the "white ideal," your needs are not considered as important, or sometimes even valid. You are not seen accurately for who you are, but are seen through the lens of your "othered" identity. You are constantly asked questions about this "othered" identity, which deepens your experience of being othered, less than, and like something to be observed in the zoo rather than someone treated with dignity and respect. It has real impact materially and socially. It also leads to daily increased stress. It is a lot harder to get the medical care you need, move up the ladder in jobs (or get them in the first place), have your abilities/talents noticed and encouraged, buy a house where you want, be socially accepted, safely interact with law enforcement, etc.

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Both those who are able to meet these "white ideal" standards, and those who aren't, are implicitly taught to measure their self-worth by their ability to meet these standards. Who needs that? Our self-worth is derived from being a human being, and in that worthy of respect and dignity. This is a lot of the work I do in therapy - helping people realize that these arbitrary standards are just that, arbitrary. They are not there to benefit you. They are there to measure you and judge you. To keep you in line. AND they say absolutely NOTHING about your worth as a person. You are already good. You are already worthy. You don't have to prove it. You just have to recognize it and live out of it. AND work to change the system that bases everything on the "white ideal."

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Here is a list of white supremacy values.

It's shockingly long, even though it's not comprehensive. I've tried to divide them into sections, even though some overlap.

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Values around work:

• perfectionism
• individualism
• you’re not trying hard enough
• it’s all your job to figure it out and succeed, you will be blamed if you don’t
• productivity
• sense of urgency
• Protestant work ethic
• Rest is suspect - you don't want to be called lazy
• pull yourself up by the boot straps
• live to work, produce, make money, and buy more things

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Values about feelings & image:

• toughness
• stoicism
• toxic masculinity
• toxic positivity
• Southern politeness (which can be laced with contempt)
• avoid conflict, be polite
• don’t talk about money, politics, sex, or race
• constant comparison (you constantly feel better than or less than)

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Values about ways of knowing:

• rationalism - rational thought and logic are the only ways to know things
• judgment/evaluation of everything in relation to an idealized norm (of the white, rich, thin, male)
• focus on productivity, development, and progress
• solution oriented
• linear thinking
• enlightenment thinking

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Values about money:

• materialism
• more is better
• middle-class is the ideal (not too wealthy or too poor)
• colonization and slavery were condoned for the sake of making money
• extraction of resources from other countries
• unfair use of resources
• business is valued and has more power than people and the earth

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Values around sexuality/embodiment/identity:

• thinness is next to godliness
• being thin, fit, and sexually attractive to men is the ideal
• heterosexuality and cis-gendered is the norm
• homophobia, transphobia
• able-bodied is the norm
• maleness is best
• female fragility is preferred (need men to rescue them)
• females as object of beauty and temptress but not primary actor
• women need to be self-sacrificing

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Values around authority/power:

• conquest
• entitlement
• domination
• white men know best, are seen as the authority
• respect for authority (white male authority)
• people (e.g. white men) have the right to use the earth (and others) for personal gain

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Values around morals/religion:

• meeting these criteria is a moral issue
• Protestant Christian is ideal
• Christian nationalism
• Judeo-Christian values
• Eurocentric values

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Next Steps:

How are you feeling? This is a lot. I would love to help you unpack this. Send me an email or schedule a session with me: catherine@cqcounseling.com. ‍

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Resources: I have a group program specifically for doing anti-oppression work around religion. I have a lot more resources to explore if you're ready to dig deeper: for personal healing, start with Burnout. For understanding systemic racism, start with the movie 13th and the book White Fragility.

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These standards are societal burdens that we don't have to accept or keep in our lives. Which ones do you want to let go of? Which ones are you ready to fight against? Which ones hit you really hard?  Which ones did I leave out that have been a huge part of your life? 

Email me and let me know: catherine@cqcounseling.com.

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*Note: Some people don't like the term white privilege because privilege is equated with upper middle class material success. White privilege means that you are treated like a full human being with dignity and respect. And that shouldn't be a privilege, it should be a given for everyone.