Substack

My thoughts on forgiveness are evolving and growing, thanks to survivors sharing their experiences, and wise clinicians empowering survivors to make the best decision for them.  My thoughts on forgiveness a year and a half ago are still valid, thus I am letting them stand on their own. You can read more about the Myths and Realities of Forgiveness I wrote about here.

Empowerment

Healing from abuse, trauma, and injustice requires empowerment.  You can choose to take the power back by forgiving, but if forgiving feels like relinquishing your importance and your power, maybe forgiveness should not on your healing agenda at this point.  If you want to add it on later, you can. There is no "right time" to forgive.  The "right time" is if and when you are ready and you want to.

I appreciate greatly the insights of Marilyn van Derber in her process of healing: "To the person who might say, 'You forgive him for yourself, not for him,' I reply, 'No, it would violate my sense of honor and integrity to forgive this lifelong behavior, but if your father sexually violated you, you may want to forgive him, for yourself, and I honor that decision.  All I ask is that you not judge others because we may have different resolutions to our betrayal and pain'" (Miss America by Day p. 416).  I highly recommend Marilyn's book Miss America by Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love, and the entire section she has devoted to the topic of forgiveness, which you will find on pp. 414-419.

Signs you may want to table forgiveness (for now or for always)

When you hear "forgive" what you feel/interpret is actually:

• I'm not important.
• Doing the "right" thing by forgiving is more important than my needs.
• Protecting the reputation of the abuser is more important than protecting and supporting me.
• No one recognizes the horror of what happened to me. They just want me to get over it.
• Other people feeling better is more important that addressing the injustice or supporting my healing.

If you are waiting for anger

If you haven't felt angry at your abuser or what happened, it may not be time to focus on forgiveness.  Anger is not necessary to forgive, but is usually a part of the process - of recognizing the wrong that was done to you before you can choose whether you want to forgive that wrong.

If you're not ready

If you feel like you have to push yourself to forgive and you keep getting stuck on this and unable to move on, it's time to put forgiveness on the back burner.  Rather than being a bad thing, this resistance can actually give you some important information about what else you may want to process in order to heal.  If forgiveness presents itself to you later in the journey as an invitation to more freedom and healing, then take it at that point.

If the focus is off

Forgiveness is helpful if it gives you the power to sever the negative emotional tie you have with the abuser.  But if by focusing on trying to forgive the abuser, your focus remains on him/her/them, leave it by the wayside for now.

If you feel like you don't have a choice

If you feel pressure to forgive in order to be a good person, do the right thing, or abide by your faith tradition's teachings.  You always have the choice and you can choose to forgive later when and if you are ready.

If you feel responsible

It's common to feel shame/guilt/responsibility for the abuse.  This is a normal reaction to many forms of abuse, especially sexual abuse, childhood abuse, and emotional/psychological abuse.  You may need to focus on placing the responsibility and the shame on the perpetrator where it belongs first.  Allow yourself to feel anger towards that person.  Later, you can work on  relinquishing anger if you find yourself stuck there.

Something to consider

If your abuser was someone so synonymous with evil as Hitler, would you still feel pressure to forgive?

What do I focus on instead?

Forgiving yourself.

There can be a lot of self-blame after abuse.  "Healing depends on being able to forgive yourself, not on being able to forgive your molester...You don't try to forgive Hitler. You don't sit around and work on that" (Davis and Bass The Courage To Heal p. 152).  I will be writing more on self-compassion in the future, so stayed tuned for more on this topic.

Grieving the losses associated with the trauma.

Maybe you need to grieve the loss of a version of yourself that will never exist anymore, the loss of someone important to you, the loss of a future you hoped for, the loss of hopes and dreams.

Placing responsibility accurately for what happened.

You are only responsible for your feelings, choices, and actions.  Upcoming posts will address accurately placing responsibility in greater depth.  You are not responsible for what your abuser did.  The abuse is never your fault.  Never.

Reducing the intensity of traumatic memories and related triggers

The traumatic memories may include the abusive events, but may also include the aftermath of the abuse.  The trauma of not being believed and supported can be just as traumatic as the actual event.  Sometimes talk therapy is effective enough to process and reduce the emotional intensity of the memories.  However, I find that EMDR is one of the most effective ways to reduce the emotional intensity of the situation, and feel like the things you have learned in talk therapy are true.  Sometimes talk therapy can get you to the place where you understand the abuse was not your fault, but you still feel ashamed and at fault.  EMDR can help your brain sync your feelings, beliefs, and thoughts so they are all in harmony.

Empowering yourself

Take care of yourself.  Give yourself permission to heal.  Reclaim control over your life.  Learn to listen to yourself and be your best advocate.  Find people who care about you and support you.  Surround yourself with these life-giving people.  Stop the cycle of trying to prove yourself or your pain to people who do not want to listen.  Learn how to be assertive and get support from others on the journey.  Learn to say what you need and stand up for yourself.  I offer an Assertiveness support group to empower you in this part of your journey.  I will have a free download, Make Assertiveness a Reality in Your Life, in the near future to get you started.  I will add it to this blog and also post a link on facebook: www.facebook.com/cqcounseling.  Follow me to make sure you get notified.

Note: What if I am ready to pursue forgiveness?

If you've read all this, and decide that you are ready and want to pursue forgiveness as a part of your healing journey, you can find more information on how to do that here.

I'd love to know what else has been an important part of your healing journey, and your thoughts/experiences with forgiveness.  You can reach me at catherine@cqcounseling.com.  Please don't be shy.  I'd love to hear from you.

Have you started recognizing some of your needs as we are on this journey together?

As we continue to move up the hierarchy of needs, you may have become aware of your need for belonging and being present. Or you may find that you have been focusing on other needs like wanting to feel more self-confident and know others respect you.

If you have children, which needs are you focused on? Are you wondering why your child isn't showing more empathy for others, or worried about their achievement?

Notice where those needs are in the hierarchy (see image below). If you find the needs higher on the pyramid, it may be easier to meet those needs once the ones below it are met.

‍

Evaluate which needs you are meeting effectively, and which ones are asking for your attention

Notice if your efforts to meet higher-order needs are effective. If it feels difficult to meet a need higher on the pyramid, ask yourself if there is an unmet need below it that feels unfulfilled. Sometimes we attempt to compensate for a more basic need not being met by focusing on other higher-order needs. This is one way to cope with the grief of that need not being fully met, but it can also keep us stuck. Grieving, processing, and finding creative ways to meet your basic need may allow you to then also meet the need to achieve without it becoming something that feels compulsive and unfulfilling.

‍

Set realistic expectations

Being aware of this hierarchy can also help you set realistic expectations for others. For example, I have found that children who have been through horrific abuse can be incredibly empathetic, but not at the same time that their fears about belonging are triggered. When they feel secure, they are able to empathize, achieve, problem-solve. Basic needs don't have to be completely met all the time in order to access higher-order growth, but if someone isn't getting basic sleep and nutrition, or is worried they are going to be fired any day, or don't feel like they belong anywhere, it is going to be much more difficult to be empathetic, feel confident, and be efficient at school or work.

Where are your greatest needs at the moment? Will you allow yourself to take care of those needs?

‍

Blackfoot Collectivist Culture holds an example of a more inclusive way of conceptualizing our needs than a hierarchy. And I think we are wise to listen.

3/16/23: Since writing the above blogs, I’ve been learning about Blackfoot Siksika values and I think they provide a lot for us to learn here. Apparently Maslow spent time with the Siksika and appropriated their ways of meeting needs into a framework that fit his white supremacy culture, and that's what psychology has passed down to us.

In the Siksika way of looking at needs, there was no need for a hierarchy to complicate things or turn needs into a competition or achievement. In their culture, there was no hierarchy of values, just as there was no hierarchy of people. All needs were important and possible to meet without having to climb a hierarchy to achieve them.

If we are hoping to move from authoritarian domination to respectful restoration, I think we can learn a lot from their values and ways of living. And not as something to appropriate, but something to celebrate, hold up, and give space for restoration. Watch a short synopsis about it here: Rethinking Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs or read in-depth about it here: Could the Blackfoot Wisdom that Inspired Maslow Guide Us Now? | Medium.

‍

We've been talking about our needs for the past few weeks. As we work our way up Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, we're going to pause to talk about a simple tool to increase your awareness of your true needs - and simultaneously begin to meet those needs.

You may have heard people mention yoga as a great thing to try or a helpful part of your exercise routine, but not be aware of how it can meet your needs on a variety of levels.

To bring you some insight into the benefits of yoga, I interviewed Melissa Garner, LMHC, QS, RYT, who not only has a Masters Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Psychology and is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, but is also a Registered Yoga Teacher, and regularly interweaves mental health and yoga. These are some of the responses she had to my questions (as well as a few of my own insights).

We’ve heard yoga is helpful – what exactly is yoga helpful for?

• Manage your thoughts
• Increase your confidence
• Give you tools you can practice in class, and continue to use in your everyday life
• Increase your self-awareness (this is the figuring out your needs part)
• Be present in your body
• Be present in the moment
• Improve ability to rest (by activating the parasympathetic nervous system which enables rest and digestion)

Personally, my favorite thing about yoga is how it helps me be present, tune into my current needs and find a path forward that honors my needs. It provides an antidote to our productivity-minded society where we feel good about ourselves only when we are accomplishing things. Instead, we make progress in yoga by accepting and being present, rather than pushing harder and harder, hoping our sheer effort and will-power will bring success. (Catherine)

How would someone decide what type of yoga is right for them?

If you're looking to address depression, anxiety, or mood management, Melissa recommends something more gentle like restorative yoga, yin yoga (which is focused on relaxation poses), or any classes that have gentle or beginner in their title. Most yoga studios will have class descriptions available on their websites.

On the other end of the spectrum, you might choose a high-energy class if you're feeling restless. A high-energy class can be regulating and calming in its own way. High-energy classes tend to be more calming for me because with slower classes, my mind wanders more and I don't have an outlet for all my energy (Catherine). Listen to your body and and chose a class that feels right for you at the time. Some days you may feel restless and choose a high-energy class, and other days you may feel tired, and choose a relaxation class.

Yoga is about being attuned to what you need. If you've experienced any form of trauma, yoga can be incredibly empowering and help you be more present in your body. Do not feel pressure to participate in any poses that make you feel uncomfortable or triggered. It's not a competition. It's about listening to your body and doing what’s right for you at that time.

Resources

Pensacola has two main yoga studios, Breathe and URU. They are both wonderful options for yoga classes.

Melissa offers several yoga classes as well as private sessions for yoga and counseling. She is also launching a new CEU course about Yoga and Mental Health. You can learn more about Melissa and her services here. You will find some of her favorite poses to manage depression here.

Melissa incorporates a mental health skill into each yoga class, such as:

• self-care
• being aware of yourself and your needs
• how to increase what you need and get rid of what you don’t need
• how to regulate your thoughts (direct your thoughts to a productive state – not jumping to negative conclusions but realistically assessing situations)
• calm your mind

Denise Amick, who is also a local therapist and yoga instructor, is holding a 4-week combination yoga/group process program.  It runs from 10/3/19 - 10/24/19.  Contact Denise by October 1 to register: 850-324-2428 or amickcounseling@gmail.com.

If you want daily inspiration and tips, check out Sarah Moody, who is located in Oakland, CA. You can find her website here and Instagram here. Check out her Guided Meditation to know what you're feeling, so you can identify what you need and be present so that you can meet that need. (Full disclosure, Sarah is my sister and I think she's doing amazing work.)

If you want a way to do yoga at home, check out Yoga With Adriene. Her videos are also available on youtube, and are wonderful for helping you be present and grounded. I love her spirit of warmth and acceptance.

You are important

The greatest gift you can give to others is your presence. Really noticing the other person, listening to them, being present with them. When we are truly present with another we communicate "you are important," and even more than that, "you are important to me."

You are valuable

What is it like to spend time with someone who makes you feel valuable...heard...worthwhile?  Someone who listens without judging or shaming.  Without needing you to agree with them.  Where you feel accepted and at peace.

You don't need to prove yourself

And what would it be like for you to spend time with others without needing to prove your own point or your own self-worth?  Without anxiously wondering what the other person thinks of you or how you can get them to meet your needs?

You are enough

We need each other for this, but we can also give ourselves the gift of showing up for our own life, being present with ourselves. We can be aware of thoughts, feelings, motivations instead of avoiding, numbing, or distracting ourselves. We can be true to ourselves. We can listen to ourselves instead of trying to overrun or disown our own needs.

We can be present instead of spacing out. We can live from within instead of watching ourselves or managing our behaviors. We can treat ourselves with respect instead of bullying ourselves into better behavior. We can treat ourselves with kindness instead of shaming ourselves. We can be honest and real with ourselves.

Refreshed

You know when you’ve been around a person who is at peace with themselves and present with you. You leave feeling refreshed and can’t wait to spend time with them again. Seek out these people, learn from them, and be refreshed by them.  If you don't currently know anyone like this, a counselor is a good place to start experiencing someone being fully present with you and there for you.

The path forward

Seek out a therapist or friend to walk with you on this journey. Practice being present and really listening. Go to yoga classes to practice living an embodied and present life. Journal to express the thoughts and feelings that come up on this journey. Find places that fill you with wonder and hope. 

Note: often judging and shaming, the sense of not being enough, are rooted in deep beliefs about ourselves.  Sometimes being aware of self-defeating patterns and self-limiting thoughts is enough to begin changing them.  If you find that your self-limiting thoughts don't budge with logical examination, a counselor is often the most efficient way to effectively address them.  I've seen clients see dramatic changes in their lives by addressing these patterns in therapy, particularly with EMDR.  They feel like a burden has been lifted and are able to move forward with their lives. You can reach me at catherine@cqcounseling.com if this is something you would like to explore for yourself.

We all have a fundamental need to belong and to know we are important. Psychologist Abraham Maslow lists belonging as the most important human need after food, shelter, and safety needs are met.

I have observed that we can often endure other deprivations and difficulties if we know we belong and we matter to someone. A top predictor of thriving after a disturbing life event is to have at least one person who is there for you unconditionally. Can you be that person for someone this year?

How many of our thoughts and actions are directed towards this need to feel important to someone? How much of our daily energy is used trying to meet this need, to feel like we belong?

Belonging not only gives us a sense of security and self-worth, but helps define our identity. I am, for example, a daughter, wife, mother, counselor, yoga-enthusiast, story-seeker, competitive game-player, and nature-lover. What groups and interests have become a part of your identity, a place where you belong?

A good place to start meeting this need is to recognize and be grateful for the people who already support you. If you can't identify anyone, think of the things you are passionate about, and find like-minded people and groups to spend time with. Pets are also a wonderful resource for unconditional support. The poem "Everything is Waiting for You" shows us some amazing, less obvious ways to wake up to a sense of belonging. Additionally, you can begin creating a place for others to belong.

To meet this need, we need others, but we also need ourselves. An important facet of meeting this need is to give ourselves the gift of showing up for our own life, being present with ourselves. Read more about the power of presence in the next blog of this series.