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I approach therapy with a simple question: 

"What do you want out of life, and what is holding you back from that?" 

This question, and your answers, is where we begin the journey. I look forward to hearing from you.

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When We Are Filled With Horror

Moving through horror and terror, grief and lament, and embodied activism

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This blog is written as a living resource to help you on your journey.

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The holiday season is upon us.  We've just finished Thanksgiving, and are entering the whirlwind of Christmas.  This is "the most wonderful time of the year," according to one famous Christmas song.  Another song lauds the importance of being "home for the holidays."It doesn't take long to realize that one of the most cherished parts of this season is time spent with family.   We look forward to family togetherness and memories.  We all know that family interactions can be the highlight of the season, and can also easily become strained as tensions and expectations run high.

How can you make time spent with family as enjoyable as possible this year?

To start off, if you spent time with family for Thanksgiving, reflect on your Thanksgiving interactions.  What was most meaningful?  What do you wish went differently?  And how can you use that information to make decisions about family interactions throughout the rest of this holiday season?Families operate well when there is a good balance of togetherness and personal autonomy.  This means having good boundaries, clear communication, and awareness and respect for other family members' needs.

6 Tips to Enjoy Time With Your Family this Holiday Season:

  1. Make expectations clear. This goes for gift-giving, time spent together, desired activities, etc.  For example, if you want to bake Christmas cookies with your aunt, make sure you let her know.  Don't expect that just because you did this together last year, she'll know you want to bake cookies again.  Also, if you won't be with family for the holidays, reach out to friends and ask to join them for holiday festivities.  Don't expect them to know what you need unless you communicate it.  In both cases, this will circumvent hurt feelings and resentment.
  2. Communicate your needs and wants clearly. For example, "I would like to have some down time today.  I will be more rested and able to participate in time as a family if I skip the movie outing, then join you afterwards to see the Christmas lights."  This goes a lot further than, "You're always scheduling too many things for us to do!"  Here's another example of combining clear expectations and clear communication: "I enjoy time with your parents, but I feel drained after two weeks of non-stop interaction.  Could we find a way for you to have enough time with them and for me to have some down time?"
  3. Communicate with the relevant person.  Often when we get frustrated, we form "triangles" and speak to or through a third person rather than communicating directly with the relevant person.  For example, a child may see her parents arguing or refusing to talk to one another and attempt to be the go-between to get her parents to communicate effectively with one another.  It's okay to get support from a third person occasionally, as long as this doesn't become the pattern of communication.  You may need to get support from a friend before you can resolve an issue with a spouse, sibling, or parent, but make sure it's an appropriate person (i.e. not your child) and it does not become the norm.
  4. Be realistic. It is easy for nostalgia for certain traditions to become unexpressed expectations for the current season.  Be realistic about how much you can do and what others around you want to do and are capable of doing.  For example, if your child gets sensory overload with a huge crowd, don't expect him to come to a large family gathering and do well.  Make plans that allow him, and thus you, to have a good time.
  5. Proactively make plans to address toxic relationships.  Some family members may not be ready to join you in clear communication and may continue unhealthy and hurtful patterns.  In those cases, find ways to have good boundaries with this person, get support for yourself, and when possible limit your interaction with them.  Find a neutral person in your support system or see a counselor for a few sessions to plan for and then process these interactions.  My favorite book to understand relationships with Emotionally-Immature People is Recovering from Emotionally-Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries & Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy. It focuses on parents, but talks about all types of relationships. If this is your situation, I'd love to help you process and prepare for how to handle these relationships.
  6. Put down the electronics and enjoy some quality time together.  This may be harder said than done.  Don't let it ruin your time together if it doesn't happen as much as you like - remember to be realistic!  But as far as you are able, make being present with one another part of your present to each other.

There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays

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Gratitude is something we often take for granted at Thanksgiving, then leave at the doorstep as we rush into Black Friday and the holiday season.  We aspire for joy that is supposed to be the hallmark of the holiday season, but without continuing gratitude, we can easily fall into busyness, stress, worry, and complaining.

What if this year we make the practice of "thanks-giving" last more than one day?  Gratitude journals have become more and more popular of late and are one great way to make this happen.  You can decide how you want to implement your gratitude journal, by keeping it simple or making it into a game of sorts.  You can use a journal, notepad, or the notes section on your phone.  Here are some ideas:

  1. Write down 3 things you are grateful for each morning as soon as you wake up and 3 things each evening before you go to bed.
  2. Use the day of the month to guide how many things you list each day.  November 23, for example, you would see if you could list 23 things.
  3. Each time you notice yourself complaining, pull out your gratitude journal and write something you are thankful for.
  4. Tell at least one person a day you are thankful for them.

There is a host of research showing the benefits of gratitude, such as improvements in physical health, self-esteem, relationships, and even sleep.  See what benefits you notice in your own life as you practice gratitude.

Gratitude

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Before we approach the topic of gratitude for Thanksgiving next week, I want to address an important prerequisite that will allow you to make room for gratitude in your life: the often-misunderstood concept of forgiveness.

We often feel like forgiveness is an act of relinquishing personal power, when in reality, it is actually claiming liberty and personal power.  It is a choice to move forward with your life and focus on yourself rather than let the person who wronged you continue to fill your thoughts and define your actions.

Contrary to popular opinion, forgiveness is not:

  • Repressing (stuffing it down and pretending it didn’t happen)

Repressing leads to resentment, unexpressed anger, and often over time, stress-related health conditions

  • Forgetting (I’m going to put it out of my mind)

Let’s be honest - does this ever work?  The more we try to forget about something, the more it seems to crowd our thoughts.

  • Letting the offender off the hook (making excuses for the offender or saying what happened was okay)

This can lead to mistrust of your own intuition and a compromised sense of self

  • Trusting the offender again (the assumption that forgiveness means going back to the way things were)

This can lead to repeat offenses

Forgiveness usually requires anger at the wrong committed against you.  Anger is a natural, healthy, and necessary response to being wronged or betrayed.  The question is whether you allow the anger to dictate your life, or whether you use it to set good boundaries for yourself with the person who wronged you and move on with your life.

There are different ways of releasing the feelings you have, whether they have been repressed or are ever-present.  These include writing a letter you do not send or using the “empty-chair” technique to find an assertive and empowered voice against the offender.  Sometimes you need a friend or counselor to help you through this process.  Once you have processed and released the power these feelings have over you, you can start to sever the negative emotional tie you have with the offender and experience the freedom of forgiveness.

In short, forgiveness is actually:

  • Feeling and processing your reaction to the offense (not rehashing and re-living it over and over, but working through it)
  • Releasing the negative emotional tie that has kept you connected to the offender, so that you can move forward with your life
  • Viewing the offender accurately, which involves setting appropriate limits and boundaries to prevent repeat offenses
  • Reclaiming a healthy and accurate view of yourself if this has been compromised

Forgiveness can happen both in small steps and huge breakthroughs. Each person’s process of forgiveness will be different.  Forgiveness is for your benefit and it is in your power to claim it.

Forgiveness is Not a Four-letter Word

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I am encouraged by the empowering wave of #MeToo and in response have wanted to write about the subject of sexual harassment, abuse, and assault for many weeks.  I have struggled to do so until now because there is so much to say and I have not known how to focus what I want to say.

I have decided to share a few thoughts and resources for now.  More in-depth discussion of particular aspects of these areas may come in the future.

A few comments that stood out to me and their links follow:

“And I guess that’s the second time in my life I gave a man the benefit of the doubt, and the first time in my life I took the blame for it being awkward when a guy was inappropriate with me.”   - Veronica Ruckh

https://totalsororitymove.com/literally-why-cant-i-say-metoo/

“We are trained not to see it, and we are trained to belittle it when it happens to us.” – Beth Woolsey

http://bethwoolsey.com/2017/10/me-too-but-i-didnt-realize-it-for-25-years/

A common reaction to unwanted sexual advances is the tendency to “turn off” our gut instincts, and dismiss feeling uncomfortable.  This happens both for those who receive unwanted sexual advances and those who are societal or literal bystanders.  A key to moving forward is learning to trust our intuition, be comfortable in our bodies again, and to take action.

When you are in a scary or unsettling situation, it is common to freeze.  Even if you were not able to stand up for yourself in the moment, what happened is not your fault.  You can reclaim that power now.  You can do that with the support of family and friends, a counselor, a pastor, and organizations such as RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network – www. rainn.org).  For those of you providing the support, the following article shares helpful ways to do so:

https://melmagazine.com/how-to-listen-to-women-when-they-share-their-stories-of-sexual-assault-3d5e3bba1659

If adults have a hard enough time labeling and responding to unwanted sexual advances, you can imagine how much more difficult it is for children.  Perpetrators often go to great lengths to “groom” children to make them feel comfortable and less likely to say something.Some common grooming behaviors:

  • Paying focused attention to the child and making the child feel special
  • Planning fun activities with the child that require them to be alone together
  • Platonic touching to get the child to be comfortable with their touch
  • Calling the sexual behavior a “game” and sharing secrets with the child to gain their confidentiality
  • See https://educateempowerkids.org/8-ways-predator-might-groom-child/ for more details

The most powerful ways to prevent children from experiencing sexual abuse include:

  • Having a respectful, supportive relationship with your child in which they learn good boundaries and know they can come to you with any problems
  • Teaching children to recognize grooming behaviors
  • Teaching children to trust their instincts and speak up
  • Be willing to separate yourself and your child from friends, family, and neighbors who display signs of grooming behaviors
  • Check out NCTSN’s information about child sexual abuse: http://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/assets/pdfs/caring_for_kids.pdf
  • When in doubt, contact a counselor trained in this area, the Child Abuse & Neglect Hotline (800-96-ABUSE for Florida), and/or your local Child Advocacy Center (Gulf Coast Kids’ House: gulfcoastkidshouse.org for the Pensacola area).

A common denominator for both adults and children is that the sexual aggressor is in a position of power (or trying to exercise power) over those they are targeting.  It is time that as a society we say enough of this power-play.

The most important aspect for healing for both adults and children is to be believed and supported.  #MeToo is one powerful way that society as a whole is showing more belief in the reality of sexual abuse and providing more unconditional support for those who have experienced it.  Let’s make sure that this becomes the norm.

#MeToo

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The concept of counseling can be confusing because most people don’t know what to expect and don’t know what to ask for.  Remember that you are always in charge of your own experience and you can give your therapist feedback about what is working or not working for you.

There are many different therapeutic modalities that counselors draw from. Counselors select which ones to use based on three main factors:

  • Which ones the research shows will most effectively treat the client’s presenting symptoms/diagnoses
  • Out of those, which ones best fit the client’s preferences and personality
  • And out of those, which ones best fit the counselor’s training and personality

Most adult counseling falls under the category of “talk therapy” because it involves a verbal exchange between the client and therapist.  This is what most people think of when they hear the term counseling.  “Expressive therapies” are often used as well for both adults and children because they can target the whole person more effectively than talk therapy alone.  Some forms of therapy focus on the client increasing insight into their problems, and some focus more on behavioral changes.  Often counseling for children involves “play therapy” because that is a child’s primary language.

Some common modalities/frameworks that therapists use:

Solution-focused brief therapy (SFBT)

This framework focuses on instilling hope and focusing on solutions rather than on the problem.  Instead of spending all of your energy focusing on the negative things dragging you down, you focus on your resources and what you want your life to be like.  By doing so, you change your brain patterns and are able to live into the life you want.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)

CBT is one of the most researched therapy modalities and it has proven to be very effective.  Almost every therapist uses CBT interventions to some degree because they are just that important.  The underlying premise is that our thoughts affect our behaviors.  If we change our thoughts, then we can start changing our beliefs about ourselves and the world, and thereby change unhelpful behavior patterns.  CBT can help you recognize ways that thought-patterns keep you stuck, and how to get unstuck.  My post about “shoulds and oughts” is an example of a CBT insight and intervention.  I personally use CBT as a helpful starting place, then move on to other modalities for deeper change and healing.  If you are looking for a therapist who focuses more on CBT, try Regan Hager, LMHC.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

DBT helps clients gain control over their fluctuating emotions and have more satisfying relationships.  There are four pillars of DBT: Mindfulness, Emotion Regulation, Distress Tolerance, and Interpersonal Effectiveness.  DBT is focused on helping clients have more stable, satisfying lives through healthy relationship to self and others.  It helps clients find “wise mind,” the balance between the “rational mind” and “emotional mind.”  Many therapists incorporate DBT into their treatment, and a few specialize in it.  If you need more intensive DBT treatment, it is recommended that you also participate in a DBT group setting.  I utilize the principles of DBT in my practice, but do not specialize in DBT.  Many of my clients have reported that my style of approaching these issues makes more sense to them than the individual DBT interventions.  If however, you are looking for a structured framework to regulate emotions and improve relationships, DBT may be just what you are looking for.  I recommend Catherine Jones at Mended Wing Counseling for DBT groups and more intensive DBT therapy.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

The premise of this framework is that our efforts to avoid the difficulties we experience are actually what create the most distress.  By accepting them without getting lost in them (through mindfulness), it is easier to move through the painful struggles.

Expressive Therapies

Expressive therapies are non-verbal interventions used to supplement talk therapy.  Expressive therapy incorporates art, music, movement, dance, drama, yoga, reading, and/or writing into the therapy process.  The power behind expressive therapies is that they allow you to access and process emotions and memories more effectively than talk therapy alone.  Sandtray therapy helps the client visualize and process what is going on in their life by creating a scene with miniatures in the sandtray.  For excellent sandtray therapy, I recommend Phedra Smith.  Sensorimotor therapy is another framework that focuses on how we store emotions in our bodies through our posture and how we express our emotions in physical reactions.  For example, changing your posture by standing with your shoulders back and head up rather than looking at the floor can help you experience and live into a more confident stance.  Sometimes you know the solution in your head, but your heart and your body have not accepted that reality, and expressive therapies can help you more fully embrace it.  Expressive therapies can address dysregulation and distress experienced in the body more effectively than talk therapy alone.  I enjoy incorporating art therapy and writing regularly in my sessions because it helps clients approach and see things from a different perspective.  It can allow you to both gain insight that's difficult to do through talking alone, as well as express thoughts and emotions that are difficult to put into words.  If you'd like to focus on art therapy, I recommend Anne-Marie Collins at Madewell Art Studio.

Play therapy

Play therapy is the treatment of choice for children because play is the way that they process the world and express themselves.  Children can have difficulty expressing and processing their world verbally because their pre-frontal cortex is not yet fully developed.  Play therapy allows them to use their natural language to process what they are experiencing.  There are many types of play therapy, including one of my favorites, Theraplay.  Theraplay focuses on the here-and-now, which is energizing and transformative for both the child and parent.  Theraplay focuses on structure, engagement, nurture, and challenge.  Theraplay is very effective for attachment issues, early trauma, regression, and anxiety.  I no longer see children in my practice, but recommend the following therapists: Regan Hager, Haley Papajohn, Bree Conklin at Willow Harbor Therapy, and Tiffany Cross.

Trauma-focused therapy

Trauma-focused modalities focus on helping the client establish safety and build coping skills first and foremost.  Once the client feels stable, reviewing the trauma can be helpful in order to make meaning out of the pain, increase a sense of power over the traumatic event, and replace lies the person believed about him/herself as a result of the abuse.   EMDR is one of the most researched and effective interventions for traumatic or disturbing life events.  EMDR helps clear out the intense memories instead of heaping them on.  If you have found that talk therapy seems to just make you feel worse, EMDR may be a better treatment modality for you.  The main goals of EMDR are to decrease the emotional intensity of traumatic events and replace the negative belief you had about yourself as a result of the trauma with the truth.  You can read more about the powerful impact of EMDR treatment here.  Trauma-focused CBT is another well-researched treatment and is effective for treating an isolated experience of trauma, but is often insufficient for multiple experiences of trauma.  I incorporate EMDR treatment as often as is indicated by client's needs, and have found it to be an incredible tool for healing.

Attachment-focused therapy

There are many different modalities within the framework of attachment-focused therapy.  Relational disruptions, especially early in life, can affect how clients connect with others, view themselves, cope with stress, and find support in life.  This is at the heart of how I view the issues presented in the therapy setting, and where I enjoy helping clients find deep healing that impacts both their memories as well as their future.Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP), developed by Dr. Dan Hughes is an example of an effective form of family attachment therapy that is focused on healing family relationships, particularly between parents and children.  I have often observed that once this relationship is repaired, the family can come up with many of their own solutions for the problems they are facing.

Family Therapy

When we think of counseling, we often think of individuals meeting with a counselor, but counseling can also involve multiple members of a family.  Family therapy can be especially helpful for counseling involving young children, where parents’ involvement can be critical.  Couples’ counseling is another common type of family therapy.  Even with individual counseling, therapists often make use of frameworks that take family systems into account.  Family-informed therapy targets some of the following areas: creating healthy boundaries so that the family can experience both closeness and autonomy; increasing healthy, direct communication; reducing reactivity; and resolving problems together rather than blaming or attacking each other.

Person-centered Therapy

This approach was developed by Carl Rogers in the 1940's and is a staple of insight-oriented counseling.  It marked a shift from viewing the therapist as the expert to the therapist as a resource.  It focuses on  helping the client find the insight and support he/or she needs in a non-directive manner.  It is a helpful framework, but often requires supplementation with more direct and skills-based approaches.  If you find yourself becoming frustrated that although your therapist is a good listener and provides support, you want more direction and intervention, ask your therapist to incorporate other modalities into your therapy or to explain why he/she believes a non-directive approach is the best fit for you.

Christian Counseling

Christian Counseling encompasses a range of intervention methods, from using Scripture in sessions, to processing the client's views and relationship with God, to incorporating the client's Christian values into the treatment.  All counseling respects clients' personal, religious, and cultural values and supports clients in using them to create healthier lives.  Christian counseling is provided at a client's request based on their values and desires for treatment.

Psychoanalytic/Psychodynamic Therapy

Psychoanalytic Therapy was created by Sigmund Freud, and marked the beginning of the field of psychology.  Psychoanalytic Therapy saw the therapist as the expert, and was a long, time-consuming enterprise to uncover the hidden motivations and reactions of the client.  After going through modifications over the years, the modern-day form of this therapy is known as Psychodynamic Therapy.  It helps people uncover how unconscious processes and what's happened to them in the past may be affecting their behavior.  It increases self-awareness and one's understanding of their patterns, so that they can make choices about what's best for them instead of just reacting.

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