When We Are Filled With Horror

We want to be in charge of our lives and our decisions.  And we are.  Sort of.  But are we unknowingly giving some of that power away?  Notice your thought process today.  Does it include the following?

• I should do x,y,z….and a,b, and c
• I should have thought of that!
• I should have seen that coming!
• I must be perfect in my interactions today (everyone I meet should think I'm smart, competent, enjoyable to be around, etc.)
• I must make sure my child is always happy
• I have to make sure my project is perfect

How do you feel?  Like there’s a taskmaster telling you it’s never enough?  That what you did was not good enough?  

The “shoulds” that were originally there to help you have taken over.

‍Why did we let them do that?

‍It was probably a calculation that if we gave the “shoulds” more power, then in exchange we could see ourselves as more productive people, model employees, parents-of-the-year, etc.  Or we simply thought that we were using the “shoulds” as a tool to motivate ourselves to get things accomplished.  We didn't realize that they would take over.

‍How do we take that power back?

• The power to choose reasonable expectations for ourselves and others.
• The power to choose compassion and understanding.
• The power to pursue balance rather than productivity.

The way to regain power:

‍Begin to embrace the idea that it is better to be human with all its foibles than to be perfect.  Changing our thought process is one way to embrace this new way of being.  Try replacing the constant demands with more realistic language.  Let’s see what happens if we change our thoughts just a bit...

• It's important to get x,y,z done today.  I would also like to accomplish a,b, and c if I have time.
• It would have been nice if I had thought of that beforehand.  Since I didn’t, what can I do now to address it?
• It would have been nice to be able to predict that, but I’m not omniscient.  What can I do to deal with it now?
• I will be present in my interactions rather than obsessing about the impression I'm making.
• I will take good care of my kids, but I won’t beat myself up if they're not always happy.
• I will work as hard as I can on that project in the time I have and accept the result.

How does that feel?  I hope it feels like you are regaining some power and perspective in your life.  It takes time and practice, but it will become more and more natural.  Give it a try today, and tomorrow, and the next day...

How do I find the right therapist for me?‍

First you're overwhelmed with whatever is going on in your life right now, and then you have to search for a therapist and hope you get someone you can trust, someone you can connect with, and most of all, someone who will actually help you, not just nod their head and say, "how does that make you feel?" or "I understand."  That sounds like a big job.

There are a few things to look for:

Is the counselor qualified?  Look for a Master's Degree and Licensure as either a Mental Health Counselor or Social Worker.  All the credential letters can be confusing, but these are the most common in Florida:

• LMHC = Licensed Mental Health Counselor
• LCSW = Licensed Clinical Social Worker
• Then there are derivatives of these for interns (which will be more affordable although a little less experienced) such as RMHCI, Registered Mental Health Clinical Intern.  There is also a derivative for counselors transferring their license from another state while they complete additional Florida requirements such as PMHC, Provisional Mental Health Counselor Licensee.
• Read the counselor's bio on Psychology Today, facebook page, or website.  Do they sound like a good fit?  Does it sound like they have some experience working with the issues you're facing?
• Find out if the counselor takes your insurance or has a payment plan that works for you.  See if they have any openings at a time that work for you.
• Ask about the counselor's style and framework for therapy.  If they are very focused on worksheets and you just want someone to listen, it's not going to be a great fit, unless they're willing to accommodate your desires, which many therapists are.  Give feedback and make your preferences known. You can find out more about some of the frameworks therapists use here.

After that, it's kind of like dating - you meet the person and see if they're a good fit.  Some counselors offer the option of a shorter, and less expensive, initial session called a consultation to give you the opportunity to see if it's a good fit for you.  Ask for this if you're unsure.  Be aware that although it's less expensive, a consultation session may be more difficult to bill through insurance.