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When we think of being brave, we usually think of heroes - imaginary superheroes or firefighters rescuing people from burning buildings. What does it mean to be brave in our daily hum-drum lives?Being brave means having the courage to be present. To be who we are. To face reality. To acknowledge we have needs and we need to meet them. To be real.

Being present

Think of a time you've been fully present to an experience, to a conversation, to a moment of connection. Being brave might mean having the courage to step away from your phone or social media in order to fully enjoy a sunset, a game with your child, a date with your partner. It might mean being willing to be present to resolve a conflict, to listen to someone else's opinion even when you disagree, or be aware of feeling discomfort.

Being who we are

It is so easy to modify our view of ourselves based on others' expectations for us. Notice if you find yourself apologizing all the time, or if you compare yourself to others frequently. Sometimes we've learned to be who others want us to be for so long that we don't even truly know who we are. Take the journey to find out. It is so much more fulfilling to be yourself than a shadow version of yourself.

Facing reality

Let's face it, reality is sometimes pretty awful. We may not be able to face the realities in our life and our world alone, but bravery asks us to face them together. As I like to say, "Once you are open to the questions, you can start living the answers. Once you make peace with who you are and where you are, you can begin to move forward again." Some things you can face with friends and family by your side, and some things are so big and overwhelming, you may need the expertise of a counselor to titrate what you need to face. (Just remember, facing does not mean you have to re-live every detail of a difficult memory - it just means you acknowledge it so you can move forward. One of the reasons I love EMDR so much is that you can face it without being overwhelmed and it will decrease the future emotional intensity of the experience.)

Acknowledging we have needs and we need to meet them

Our society idolizes productivity, perfection, and success. No one can keep up with the expectations to be the best at everything. Being brave may mean asking for help instead of pretending like we have it all together. If we don't meet our needs, our bodies have a way of telling us and trying to meet them in unhelpful ways. Maybe we just need a good cry and a hug instead of that pint of ice cream.

To be real

Who are the people you most enjoy being with? Are they people who are comfortable in their own skin, who are real and authentic? When we are around people like that, we can't help but want more. It may not feel safe to be real with certain people. You have to decide when and how to be courageous enough to be real. Start where you'll get positive feedback and keep expanding it. Being real is worth the risk.

What goals do we have for our kids (and for ourselves)?  Is bravery one of them?  Maybe.  To be successful?  Definitely.

I would argue that if you want your child to be successful, you also want them to be brave.  Unfortunately, we often unintentionally raise our kids to equate perfection with success.  When they try to be perfect, they become focused on being the best, and they become fearful of failing.  They become so cautious that they only want to try something new if they know they can do it perfectly right away.  Moreover, this leads to anxiety and missed opportunities. On the other hand, bravery opens doors to become more confident and take advantage of more opportunities.

Six signs that my child is brave:

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1. They love to be themselves
2. They aren't afraid to make mistakes
3. They're excited to try new things (even if they don't know if they'll be good at it)
4. They see setbacks as challenges instead of failures
5. They can acknowledge all of their feelings
6. They stick up for others, even when it's not popular

So, what if I'd like my child to be more brave?

• A good place for your child to start is to read Stick Up For Yourself.  It teaches kids how to have a sense of personal power and self-confidence.
• Check out my blog post about teaching kids a growth mindset, which fosters bravery: How to Effectively Affirm Kids.
• You can also seek consultation or support from a counselor to make a plan to address your child's anxiety and increase bravery.  Theraplay is one of my favorite modalities for helping kids in this area.  (Read more about Play Therapy and Theraplay in my blog post "What Actually Happens in Therapy.")
• Most importantly, live into this reality yourself.  When your child sees you living this way, they will be able to learn it from you first hand.

So, what if I've realized that I've been trying to be perfect and don't know how to model bravery to my child?

• Steep yourself in writers such as Brené Brown.
• Change the way you talk to yourself.  Start noticing when you expect perfection from yourself and change your expectations.  My blog post A Case of the "Shoulds and Oughts" will get you started.
• Gather a support system around you who can help you live into this reality
• Get support from a counselor.  You don't need to have a major problem to seek counseling.  Counseling is also a tool to live into the life you want.  EMDR is one modality that is very effective at changing the scripts and patterns of behavior in our lives, and can help you move from perfectionism to bravery.

Where are you feeling stuck?

The person you can't forgive - you keep trying, but every time you see them you're furious again. "Self-sabotaging" in relationships - when your relationship calls for vulnerability or conflict resolution, it stops working.  (If you're feeling agitated at any point, hang in there with me, we'll get to the solution soon!  If you need to, skip straight to the next paragraph.) When others compliment or encourage you, you just can't quite believe them.  You take everything so personally and you don't know why.  Feeling overwhelmed no matter how much you plan, prepare, etc.  Wanting to feel more confident but you can't talk yourself into feeling that way.  Underlying anxiety that you'll do the wrong thing or say something stupid.  A disturbing image you just can't get out of your mind.  PTSD from a traumatic experience.

‍Imagine what your life would be like if instead of spending all of your energy trying to avoid, you were able to thrive.  If instead of spending all of your time trying to cope, you were able to grow. EMDR can help you get there.

EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing, is a treatment modality that helps you make sense of and overcome difficult life experiences. It generally occurs in a therapy office, although this video references doing a session via video, which is less common. EMDR basically unleashes your body's natural ability to heal. After EMDR, the experience will no longer carry the same emotional intensity.  Clients have expressed feeling a sense of freedom, hope, and relief even after one EMDR session.

The Personal Transformation Institute explains EMDR this way, "When something disturbing happens it gets stored in the brain in a way that our human system feels that event is either going to happen again at any moment, or is happening now.  When some event happens that may be similar or just has an element that reminds the system of that disturbing event, the brain reacts as if the original disturbing event is happening.

"EMDR helps to move the storage of that memory to a more functional part of the brain that can experience the event as actually being in the past. It is important to know that there is a real physical change happening with EMDR. The events that used to trigger the brain into over-reaction no longer have that effect. The person can now react to the present without the past interfering." (Personal Transformation Institute)

Research shows that EMDR is the gold-star treatment for trauma, and effective for other difficult life experiences that keep you stuck, even though they may not feel traumatic.   If you want to read more about EMDR, check out What is EMDR? or  Getting Past Your Past by Francine Shapiro, PhD, the creator of EMDR Therapy.

Now think of what you want more of in your life.

Self-confidence, hope, freedom...

This is your chance to get there.  Just like spring cleaning takes some work, but gives you space in your life and a fresh start to a new season, EMDR will take some work, but will give you a fresh outlook and a sense of relief.  You can let the old baggage go.

You can reach me at (850) 760-0109 or catherine@cqcounseling.com. To find an EMDR therapist in your area, you can search on www.EMDR.com.  An important note: Do not try self-EMDR because that can leave you feeling more agitated instead of more at peace.  Seek out a professional.

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Additional treatment considerations:

What about antidepressants and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)? I've heard they're effective.  How do I decide what's right for me? A recent study comparing EMDR, CBT, and antidepressants showed the following results after treatment ended:

Antidepressant: Therapeutic benefit ceased when stopped taking medication

CBT: Maintained benefit after treatment ceased

EMDR: Continued growing even after treatment was over

With CBT, the focus would be on changing your thoughts, which would in turn affect your behavior and your beliefs.  And it does work.  But EMDR often works even better.  Disturbing or traumatic life events are usually stored in a non-verbal part of the brain, and EMDR targets that part of the brain, whereas CBT does not.  In addition, withCBT you change the script in your current thoughts and in the current moment.With EMDR, you change the script at the beginning - the place where the belief and pattern of behavior began.  You are then able to change the script during all the times in your life you were following that negative or untrue belief.

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A brief blog as we approach Mother's Day. This holiday invites us to contemplate how we have been parented and how we parent. We may have mixed feelings about both. Being a good parent is not about being perfect. What matters most is showing up, being real, and growing together. Thank you, Brené Brown, for this invitation to wholehearted parenting.Happy Mother's Day!Wholehearted_ParentingManifesto

"Good job!"

"Way to go!"

"I'm proud of you!"

"You're so smart!"

We can probably all agree that affirming kids is important.  Some critique that we're way too worried about kids' self-esteem and don't provide realistic feedback and challenge.  And they have a point.

So let's dig deeper.  What do we hope to accomplish when we praise kids?

We want kids to feel confident, persevere, and succeed.  We want them to be internally motivated rather than require external incentives.Research is showing that while we were on the right track with these goals, we missed the mark by focusing on self-esteem.  According to motivational expert Dr. Carol Dweck, focusing solely on self-esteem can lead to a fixed mindset, rather than a growth mindset.  Affirming kids by praising fixed abilities (i.e. intelligence, talent) leads kids to need constant validation.  It also discourages them from trying new challenges.Instead, praise the process.  Affirm their effort, strategy, and perseverance rather than their ability.  This is how to affirm more effectively.  This is how you nurture a growth mindset.

Okay, sounds good.  But, what does this look like in action?

One thing to keep in mind is that you're trying to join in their excitement, creativity, and curiosity.  You're noticing them and validating their experience.  You're showing that you care and that they are capable.  Let's look at some common scenarios:

• Your daughter is practicing for her upcoming soccer game and expresses that she is worried she won't be able to make a goal.  You stop yourself from reassuring her, "You're so good at soccer. You'll do great."  Instead you validate and encourage: "It's normal to feel worried before a game.  I see how much you enjoy soccer and I love watching you play."
• Your student  solves a hard math problem, and you stop yourself from saying, "Good job! You're so smart!"  Instead, you say, "That's so exciting! You figured it out!"

This requires a shift in our own mindset as parents, counselors, and educators.  It can be hard enough to provide praise over critique, so don't get discouraged if it takes a while to tweak your praise.  Keep it up!  We can grow into a growth mindset and invite the kids in our lives to join us.

For more information, check out these resources from Dr. Carol Dweck:

• Say This, Not That - Growth Mindset Parenting

TED Talks:

• NPR Ted Talks: Should We Stop Telling Kids They're Smart?
• TED Talk: The Power of Believing You Can Improve