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12 Hugs a Day

According to Family Therapist Virginia Satir, we need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 hugs a day for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for growth.  Hugs are just one way to get healthy touch, which is critical for cognitive development,  health, physical development, regulation, positive self-image, and bonding. Scientifically, these benefits occur because healthy touch release chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin, which help you feel good, connect with others, and decrease the stress chemical cortisol.  For those who want to know more, check out this blog post for a start:   7 Benefits of Hugging.

5 Affirmations for Every 1 Challenge

Challenge is important for growth, but critique is only effectively received and utilized if it's mixed with positive statements. Make it a game/challenge for yourself to notice when your kids are doing well and share it with them out loud.

10 Minutes of Connection a Day

We often feel like we don't have time to give our full attention to our kids. We have dinner to cook, laundry to wash, homework to get our kids to finish, etc.  Paradoxically, really connecting with your kids helps both of you feel good and able to get back to other tasks more easily.  Connection helps your children feel noticed, cared for, capable, and confident.

(P.S. This recipe also works with your other relationships. Try it with your spouse, employees, etc. and see what happens.  You might treat yourself to the benefits of this recipe as well - try giving yourself more affirmations than criticism this week.)

*Note: for trauma survivors, and those who have suffered boundary violations, hugging may not be the best means of healthy touch initially. Contact me for a consultation for further recommendations.*

Strong emotions - we all have them whether we like it or not.What do we do with them?  In general, we do what we saw our parents do. . . or if we didn't like that, we try to do the opposite.Is what we're doing working for us? And is what we're teaching our kids about emotions working?

Since strong emotions are hard to deal with, we often fall into these bad habits:

1. Taking it out on others. Sometimes we take it out on the person that engendered the strong emotion, such as fighting with our spouse.  Other times, we take it out on someone less powerful, say your 9-year-old hitting your 6-year-old because he is being bullied at school or is upset about his parents fighting. This is called externalizing, or expressing your emotions through outward behavior.
2. Taking it out on yourself.  You might turn anger or  inward, such as "beating yourself up" about a mistake you made or you might turn shame inward thinking about the mistake you made over and over and over again. This is known as internalizing.
3. Trying to ignore or get rid of the feelings.  You might try to pretend it didn't bother you.  This might work in the short-term, but feelings have a way of affecting you somehow down the line.  The feelings might re-emerge later as feeling anxious, depressed, or physically unwell for no apparent reason.  We also teach our kids to do this, by telling them to just "be nice" and "you shouldn't feel that way."  This way of addressing feelings is known as denial, repression, or suppression.

Feelings don't just go away. They must be expressed and integrated. This isn't too hard when the feelings are mild, but with strong emotions, it takes more practice and support.  When trauma is involved, the feelings can be downright overwhelming and you might need professional support to reduce the intensity of the feelings.  Keep in mind that teenagers naturally have higher highs and lower lows - it is part of natural development. What may seem like a minor issue to you, may in fact feel like a big issue to your teenager.

Emotional Intelligence involves expressing and processing feelings in healthy ways:

1. Check your "gut" - what do you need?  Identify what your body needs to express the emotion in a healthy way and regulate itself.  If you're feeling agitated, you might need to take a few deep breaths or take a walk around the block.  Kids need help learning how to do this.  Instead of telling your angry 10-year-old to calm down - help her identify what her body needs, such as to do some jumping jacks or punch a pillow.
2. Now that you're more regulated, identify the emotions. Are you just feeling angry, or are you feeling angry because you're embarrassed? It's easier to deal with the situation if you've accurately identified your emotional response.
3. Process the experience and the emotion. Talk it out with a friend or journal about it.  Help your child learn how to process the experience with you and come to some resolution.  Identify what you need to work through the experience.  If the issue is lingering or you feel this way a lot, I recommend talking to a counselor about it.

How many times have we heard someone say, “he’s so manipulative” or “she’s so bossy”? We’re trying to make sense of others’ behaviors; and when we do, we often blame or label others in a negative way. We’re not even labeling their behavior – we’re labeling them.

In reality, all (well, maybe mostly all) behavior is functional.

We are trying to:

1. Meet a need
2. Solve a problem, or
3. Express an emotion

When we take time to understand the reason behind others’ behavior, we increase our ability to empathize with them. We might be able to understand where they’re coming from, or at least appreciate the legitimate need they are trying to meet.

This applies to ourselves as well. We can often be our own harshest critic, pushing ourselves to do better and berating ourselves for not doing enough. When we realize that we’re just trying to meet our own needs, we can have self-compassion and find a more helpful way to meet that need.

Try to see beyond the behavior today.

The holiday season is upon us.  We've just finished Thanksgiving, and are entering the whirlwind of Christmas.  This is "the most wonderful time of the year," according to one famous Christmas song.  Another song lauds the importance of being "home for the holidays."It doesn't take long to realize that one of the most cherished parts of this season is time spent with family.   We look forward to family togetherness and memories.  We all know that family interactions can be the highlight of the season, and can also easily become strained as tensions and expectations run high.

How can you make time spent with family as enjoyable as possible this year?

To start off, if you spent time with family for Thanksgiving, reflect on your Thanksgiving interactions.  What was most meaningful?  What do you wish went differently?  And how can you use that information to make decisions about family interactions throughout the rest of this holiday season?Families operate well when there is a good balance of togetherness and personal autonomy.  This means having good boundaries, clear communication, and awareness and respect for other family members' needs.

6 Tips to Enjoy Time With Your Family this Holiday Season:

1. Make expectations clear. This goes for gift-giving, time spent together, desired activities, etc.  For example, if you want to bake Christmas cookies with your aunt, make sure you let her know.  Don't expect that just because you did this together last year, she'll know you want to bake cookies again.  Also, if you won't be with family for the holidays, reach out to friends and ask to join them for holiday festivities.  Don't expect them to know what you need unless you communicate it.  In both cases, this will circumvent hurt feelings and resentment.
2. Communicate your needs and wants clearly. For example, "I would like to have some down time today.  I will be more rested and able to participate in time as a family if I skip the movie outing, then join you afterwards to see the Christmas lights."  This goes a lot further than, "You're always scheduling too many things for us to do!"  Here's another example of combining clear expectations and clear communication: "I enjoy time with your parents, but I feel drained after two weeks of non-stop interaction.  Could we find a way for you to have enough time with them and for me to have some down time?"
3. Communicate with the relevant person.  Often when we get frustrated, we form "triangles" and speak to or through a third person rather than communicating directly with the relevant person.  For example, a child may see her parents arguing or refusing to talk to one another and attempt to be the go-between to get her parents to communicate effectively with one another.  It's okay to get support from a third person occasionally, as long as this doesn't become the pattern of communication.  You may need to get support from a friend before you can resolve an issue with a spouse, sibling, or parent, but make sure it's an appropriate person (i.e. not your child) and it does not become the norm.
4. Be realistic. It is easy for nostalgia for certain traditions to become unexpressed expectations for the current season.  Be realistic about how much you can do and what others around you want to do and are capable of doing.  For example, if your child gets sensory overload with a huge crowd, don't expect him to come to a large family gathering and do well.  Make plans that allow him, and thus you, to have a good time.
5. Proactively make plans to address toxic relationships.  Some family members may not be ready to join you in clear communication and may continue unhealthy and hurtful patterns.  In those cases, find ways to have good boundaries with this person, get support for yourself, and when possible limit your interaction with them.  Find a neutral person in your support system or see a counselor for a few sessions to plan for and then process these interactions.  My favorite book to understand relationships with Emotionally-Immature People is Recovering from Emotionally-Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries & Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy. It focuses on parents, but talks about all types of relationships. If this is your situation, I'd love to help you process and prepare for how to handle these relationships.
6. Put down the electronics and enjoy some quality time together.  This may be harder said than done.  Don't let it ruin your time together if it doesn't happen as much as you like - remember to be realistic!  But as far as you are able, make being present with one another part of your present to each other.

Gratitude is something we often take for granted at Thanksgiving, then leave at the doorstep as we rush into Black Friday and the holiday season.  We aspire for joy that is supposed to be the hallmark of the holiday season, but without continuing gratitude, we can easily fall into busyness, stress, worry, and complaining.

What if this year we make the practice of "thanks-giving" last more than one day?  Gratitude journals have become more and more popular of late and are one great way to make this happen.  You can decide how you want to implement your gratitude journal, by keeping it simple or making it into a game of sorts.  You can use a journal, notepad, or the notes section on your phone.  Here are some ideas:

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1. Write down 3 things you are grateful for each morning as soon as you wake up and 3 things each evening before you go to bed.
2. Use the day of the month to guide how many things you list each day.  November 23, for example, you would see if you could list 23 things.
3. Each time you notice yourself complaining, pull out your gratitude journal and write something you are thankful for.
4. Tell at least one person a day you are thankful for them.

There is a host of research showing the benefits of gratitude, such as improvements in physical health, self-esteem, relationships, and even sleep.  See what benefits you notice in your own life as you practice gratitude.