When We Are Filled With Horror

A brief blog as we approach Mother's Day. This holiday invites us to contemplate how we have been parented and how we parent. We may have mixed feelings about both. Being a good parent is not about being perfect. What matters most is showing up, being real, and growing together. Thank you, Brené Brown, for this invitation to wholehearted parenting.Happy Mother's Day!Wholehearted_ParentingManifesto

"Good job!"

"Way to go!"

"I'm proud of you!"

"You're so smart!"

We can probably all agree that affirming kids is important.  Some critique that we're way too worried about kids' self-esteem and don't provide realistic feedback and challenge.  And they have a point.

So let's dig deeper.  What do we hope to accomplish when we praise kids?

We want kids to feel confident, persevere, and succeed.  We want them to be internally motivated rather than require external incentives.Research is showing that while we were on the right track with these goals, we missed the mark by focusing on self-esteem.  According to motivational expert Dr. Carol Dweck, focusing solely on self-esteem can lead to a fixed mindset, rather than a growth mindset.  Affirming kids by praising fixed abilities (i.e. intelligence, talent) leads kids to need constant validation.  It also discourages them from trying new challenges.Instead, praise the process.  Affirm their effort, strategy, and perseverance rather than their ability.  This is how to affirm more effectively.  This is how you nurture a growth mindset.

Okay, sounds good.  But, what does this look like in action?

One thing to keep in mind is that you're trying to join in their excitement, creativity, and curiosity.  You're noticing them and validating their experience.  You're showing that you care and that they are capable.  Let's look at some common scenarios:

• Your daughter is practicing for her upcoming soccer game and expresses that she is worried she won't be able to make a goal.  You stop yourself from reassuring her, "You're so good at soccer. You'll do great."  Instead you validate and encourage: "It's normal to feel worried before a game.  I see how much you enjoy soccer and I love watching you play."
• Your student  solves a hard math problem, and you stop yourself from saying, "Good job! You're so smart!"  Instead, you say, "That's so exciting! You figured it out!"

This requires a shift in our own mindset as parents, counselors, and educators.  It can be hard enough to provide praise over critique, so don't get discouraged if it takes a while to tweak your praise.  Keep it up!  We can grow into a growth mindset and invite the kids in our lives to join us.

For more information, check out these resources from Dr. Carol Dweck:

• Say This, Not That - Growth Mindset Parenting

TED Talks:

• NPR Ted Talks: Should We Stop Telling Kids They're Smart?
• TED Talk: The Power of Believing You Can Improve

12 Hugs a Day

According to Family Therapist Virginia Satir, we need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 hugs a day for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for growth.  Hugs are just one way to get healthy touch, which is critical for cognitive development,  health, physical development, regulation, positive self-image, and bonding. Scientifically, these benefits occur because healthy touch release chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin, which help you feel good, connect with others, and decrease the stress chemical cortisol.  For those who want to know more, check out this blog post for a start:   7 Benefits of Hugging.

5 Affirmations for Every 1 Challenge

Challenge is important for growth, but critique is only effectively received and utilized if it's mixed with positive statements. Make it a game/challenge for yourself to notice when your kids are doing well and share it with them out loud.

10 Minutes of Connection a Day

We often feel like we don't have time to give our full attention to our kids. We have dinner to cook, laundry to wash, homework to get our kids to finish, etc.  Paradoxically, really connecting with your kids helps both of you feel good and able to get back to other tasks more easily.  Connection helps your children feel noticed, cared for, capable, and confident.

(P.S. This recipe also works with your other relationships. Try it with your spouse, employees, etc. and see what happens.  You might treat yourself to the benefits of this recipe as well - try giving yourself more affirmations than criticism this week.)

*Note: for trauma survivors, and those who have suffered boundary violations, hugging may not be the best means of healthy touch initially. Contact me for a consultation for further recommendations.*

Strong emotions - we all have them whether we like it or not.What do we do with them?  In general, we do what we saw our parents do. . . or if we didn't like that, we try to do the opposite.Is what we're doing working for us? And is what we're teaching our kids about emotions working?

Since strong emotions are hard to deal with, we often fall into these bad habits:

1. Taking it out on others. Sometimes we take it out on the person that engendered the strong emotion, such as fighting with our spouse.  Other times, we take it out on someone less powerful, say your 9-year-old hitting your 6-year-old because he is being bullied at school or is upset about his parents fighting. This is called externalizing, or expressing your emotions through outward behavior.
2. Taking it out on yourself.  You might turn anger or  inward, such as "beating yourself up" about a mistake you made or you might turn shame inward thinking about the mistake you made over and over and over again. This is known as internalizing.
3. Trying to ignore or get rid of the feelings.  You might try to pretend it didn't bother you.  This might work in the short-term, but feelings have a way of affecting you somehow down the line.  The feelings might re-emerge later as feeling anxious, depressed, or physically unwell for no apparent reason.  We also teach our kids to do this, by telling them to just "be nice" and "you shouldn't feel that way."  This way of addressing feelings is known as denial, repression, or suppression.

Feelings don't just go away. They must be expressed and integrated. This isn't too hard when the feelings are mild, but with strong emotions, it takes more practice and support.  When trauma is involved, the feelings can be downright overwhelming and you might need professional support to reduce the intensity of the feelings.  Keep in mind that teenagers naturally have higher highs and lower lows - it is part of natural development. What may seem like a minor issue to you, may in fact feel like a big issue to your teenager.

Emotional Intelligence involves expressing and processing feelings in healthy ways:

1. Check your "gut" - what do you need?  Identify what your body needs to express the emotion in a healthy way and regulate itself.  If you're feeling agitated, you might need to take a few deep breaths or take a walk around the block.  Kids need help learning how to do this.  Instead of telling your angry 10-year-old to calm down - help her identify what her body needs, such as to do some jumping jacks or punch a pillow.
2. Now that you're more regulated, identify the emotions. Are you just feeling angry, or are you feeling angry because you're embarrassed? It's easier to deal with the situation if you've accurately identified your emotional response.
3. Process the experience and the emotion. Talk it out with a friend or journal about it.  Help your child learn how to process the experience with you and come to some resolution.  Identify what you need to work through the experience.  If the issue is lingering or you feel this way a lot, I recommend talking to a counselor about it.

How many times have we heard someone say, “he’s so manipulative” or “she’s so bossy”? We’re trying to make sense of others’ behaviors; and when we do, we often blame or label others in a negative way. We’re not even labeling their behavior – we’re labeling them.

In reality, all (well, maybe mostly all) behavior is functional.

We are trying to:

1. Meet a need
2. Solve a problem, or
3. Express an emotion

When we take time to understand the reason behind others’ behavior, we increase our ability to empathize with them. We might be able to understand where they’re coming from, or at least appreciate the legitimate need they are trying to meet.

This applies to ourselves as well. We can often be our own harshest critic, pushing ourselves to do better and berating ourselves for not doing enough. When we realize that we’re just trying to meet our own needs, we can have self-compassion and find a more helpful way to meet that need.

Try to see beyond the behavior today.